Love and Hate Relationship With Food

I love food,

but

I hate food.

That's probably not the first time you've heard that.

Oh food, so many things to say about it, but it so hard to articulate at times. First off, let me say I am, at times, an emotional eater.

I'm Happy! Lets celebrate with food!

I'm Angry! F**k this, I'm not cooking tonight, I'll order this ridiculously unhealthy calorie dense food instead.

I'm Sad! Well, most people know the meaning of "comfort food"

Over time, I'm getting better at recognizing this, and stopping it. I used to not even be aware that I was doing it.

I do recognize that I have a food addiction. It sounds silly but its true. Sometimes I envy alcoholics and drug addicts (please don't kill me for saying that). At least they have the option to stay away from the substance they're addicted to (albiet its hard, but its still possible). I can't just say, well, I'm addicted to food, so I'm not going to eat anymore. If I did that, I'd still have an eating disorder.

Off topic rant before I go back: I get very annoyed that overeaters, binge eaters, emotional eaters, etc. get left out of the "eating disorder" categories so often when people discuss them. Anorexia and Bulemia are not the only eating disorders!

Anyway - I've been learning to control my eating first through portion control. I grew up where a steak that devours 1/2 to 3/4 of your plate is one steak/one serving. Now I'm learning to cut those in half or more to feed both myself and my husband. Learning what NORMAL portions are was my first step. I know a lot more than I used to, but I'm still learning.

One reason I have a problem with this, is that most everything is sold in family size one time cookable containers. I hate wasting food: its a direct waste of money. Also, my husband refuses to eat leftovers 99% of the time, so its eat it now or throw it out. One of my ongoing efforts is to try to eat only one portion, and try to eat leftovers another day or for another meal.

My other method of controlling what I eat is calorie counting. Calorie counting works very very well for me... when I stay on top of it. It works, but its tedious. My main goal here is to stay within calorie limits (usually around 1500 calorie/day). I don't care what I eat, as long as I stay within the calorie limits.

Losing weight mathematically is as simple as creating a calorie defecit. So my main goal right now is to learn to stay within a certain calorie range, while staying relatively happy eating foods I like. Sometimes, I have very nutritional meals, and sometimes I don't - but both meals will still fit my calorie range. This method will help me lose weight, but not help my overall health. Also, please note, that I do take daily vitamins.

My next goal, and lifetime goal, is to have all of the above mastered, and be eating a reasonable amount of calories a day and reasonable portions, but also to eat HEALTHY. All of the above can be done without eating healthy. Weight loss CAN be achieved without eating HEALTHY. However, weight loss will most likely not be MAINTAINED without learning to eat healthy. I need to learn more about how to cook meals without sodium (my love) and still be able to eat them. I need to learn low fat meals, etc. I just all around need to learn what a healthy balance of all food groups is. This is what I'm hoping that I'm going to learn with my surgeon, and dietician.

I know I have to change a lot of my habits, and

I haven't been able to do it all alone, but

I'm ready to do this with help. 

Versatile Blogger Award

Blog award: The Versatile Blogger

Thanks so much to Beyond Willpower for this award:

7+ things about moi: (I'll do more as a "get to know me" type deal).
I'll even throw in some pictures. 

1. I am an enormous Harry Potter fan. No matter how old I get I will always be re-reading them. 

2. I know way too much about babies already and I'm not even close to being pregnant. I figure if I research a lot now, I'll be better prepared for when it happens.

2.5 I also think and talk about baby names constantly. People always think I'm pregnant because of it. I figure if I figure out what I like now and STILL like the name when I have the kid - its not a fad name that I'll regret in a year.
Favorite first name for a:  Boy: Parker Girl: Calliope

3. I love piercings. I love the look of them, and I want soooo many more.

4. Ditto on tattoos. I think every tattoo should have a specific meaning. I will never regret (or at the very least HIGHLY DOUBT I'll ever regret) a tattoo. This is because even if they don't go with who I am in 20 years and beyond, they will always remind me (and help me not forget) who I was. For fun, here's my current tattoos:

This one represents myself and my husband. Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours" was our first dance song at our wedding. The notes Are the I'm Yours from the chorus. I starts on my foot and wraps all the way around my ankle.

This one represents me, and what I love. It is based on a Green Day logo (shown below). the lyrics "Rage & Love" come form the Green Day song Jesus of Suburbia. I'm a very dynamic person, and I usually really love something or am completely in a rage about something. Not fantastic qualities, but its me. This is places on my back/left shoulder.

 

4.5. I'm a huge Green day fan if you couldn't tell. Also, music in general, as I also sing and play the clarinet.

5. I am a member of Mu Beta Psi, the National Honorary Musical Fraternity, as is my husband. Yes, I married my "Brother".

 This picture is from my wedding. My husband and I with all our Brothers who attended.

6. I talk to my cats as if they understand, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Above are my felines Willow and Sadie.
(That picture of Willow may be my next tattoo)

7. I'm a lot more insecure than a lot of people think I am.

8. I'm filled with good intentions (really), but they don't always come out right.

9. I have a terrible memory. I can know something really well, but then after not thinking about it for awhile: I completely lose it. 

10. I am always second guessing myself. Even though I may remember or know some information, I might do a Google search juuuuuust to make sure I was right. I don't trust myself to remember correctly (this also leads to why I might not raise my hand in class when I think I know an answer).

11. I have a weight problem. >.> Oh, you probably knew that one already... :P

I am passing this award to:  

Beyond Willpower She passed me this award, but she deserves it herself 1,000 times over. So, even if just in symbolism, I'm passing it back.

Also:

Stephanie @  Body By ME (not food): A Weight Loss Journey

Kristin @ 1 Year - Losing to Win

To claim this award you need to share at least 7 things about yourself and then pass it on to fellow bloggers of your choice.

WLS Update, and Miscellaneous Life BS

Yesterday I finally go the low down on what has been going on, and why after about 2 months I hadn't heard from the Bariatric Surgery Center. The person who was supposed to do my paperwork FILED the paperwork, but didn't actually send it out. They made sure to say that the person isn't working there anymore.

Good, because they didn't want to hear from me.

So, now at least the center has my information, and will be sending me more info in the mail. My first sort of appointment there is on APRIL 12. Three months after this all started. *sigh*

The appointment is more like a group informational session for people who are interested in the surgery; and everyone can bring ONE guest. It sounds like they think its a party. They'll give me more information about the surgery (I wonder if I'll actually learn any new information). If after that meeting I still want to go through with it (duh) I'll fill out some sort of "questionnaire" as they called it. Then I get to wait even longer for a real appointment.

oh joy.

If you can't tell I'm just a bit bitter and frustrated right now. Its not only because of the appointment. In general, this week has been really bad with depression, anxiety, and even financially. 

In terms of the oxygen, I'm feeling a bit better/less tired in the mornings, but depression and anxiety wise I just don't want to get out of bed. All my problems have been hitting me a lot harder this week. I've spent quite a bit of time crying in secret. I just hate myself. There's not much more detail in it. The feeling of total revulsion at myself and my life is overwhelming. I just don't want to leave my house. For one, leaving involves some sort of pain, period, its just the truth. Second, I hate to show the world this person I am. Who really wants to see fat 'ol me waddling down the sidewalk in pain. Well, at least it will give everyone else a schadenfreude moment. There's so much more, but I don't know how to articulate it right now.

Classes are going, well, terrible. There's one class that there's absolutely no possibility of me passing because I got so far behind. Yet, I can't withdraw because it will bring me to be a part time student instead of a full time student - then I'll owe the school more (we'll get to the details on that in a moment)I'm not doing so hot in the other either. You can only do so well when you miss class. Then when I want to pick up the pieces, I get anxious and don't know what to do. It looks like I'm not putting effort in from an outside perspective, but even just getting out of my house once or twice a week is a huge success for me.

Though I did hear that certain people think I'm pregnant because I'm "sick" all the time and don't leave my house. That was kinda funny.

People are going to tell me to go to counseling, I know it. I'm not averse to it (I'm a freaking Psych major), but with all the other medical stuff going on, I just don't want to deal with that too right now.

Money wise, I received a bombshell today. Not only am I not getting the $1,200 extra I was supposed to get (and use for rent), I now owe the college about $900.  Now, there IS a way to get the money. I have to have two professors sign a paper saying I'm putting forth effort in the class (to get my TAP back from the academic stuff that happened last semester that made me ineligible). Now look above to what I said. I'm not really doing well in anything, and it looks like I'm not really doing anything from the outside. Oh, what am I going to do: refer them to my blog? Ya, I can see their reaction on that. Its called I don't give a f*ck. I already dropped a class this semester because of that from the professor. I can't drop any more. So, I have to pay the money. 

Oh, then there's our car we have to fix for another $900. We have $600 from our tax return, and $300 of the $1,200 I didn't get was supposed to go to it. Also we've lost the money for 2 months of rent which we really needed.

Someone put me out of my misery. : /

The only option I really have is to get another job. My current job is great, and it is sit down, so it doesn't cause me pain. However, I only get 8 hours a week. My husband has 2 jobs. He works at the same place as me (8 hours a week) and he also works at Price Chopper. Price Chopper doesn't ever give him many hours. He's lucky if he gets 2 days a week, and if he gets 3 we jump for joy. 

I'm not so excited about getting another job because it is going to be a stand up job (and not in the positive way). I'm just going to have to get something and deal with the back pain. I may be in pain during every shift, but I have to have the money to survive and get by. I'm applying first to the local piercing places (one actively hiring, one not) because if I have to do it, I might as well try for somewhere I LIKE to be. 

I did give you guys a teaser that food info would be coming soon, and I'll try to get to that this weekend or early next week. I just have a lot on my plate (was that pun intended or not?) right now.