Losing My Worst Half Introduction

A big hello and welcome to my readers.
In this blog you are going to read about the struggle of one woman to lose approximately 175 pounds.

That is an insane amount of weight.


This blog will be an interesting journey because to do it right I have to be completely honest and open... and frankly - that scares the living bejesus out of me. I can be honest and open to strangers that don't know me, but being honest and open about this one thing to people I know is going to be hard - and embarassing. I still haven't decided if I will share this blog with those I know right away or sometime else along this journey, but the plan is to include them.

So who am I? And how did I get to where I am today?
I am a college student, and not necessarily a hard working one recently. I study Psychology, and I am currently in my senior year, and I just see that BA in the distance. What am I going to do after that beautiful little document with my name on it reaches my hand? I haven't exactly planned that far yet.

My rock standing behind me is my husband. He is the one person in the world that can tell me I look beautiful who I actually believe. He has seen me struggle with my weight since the moment he met me. The spectacular part of it all is that even though I've gained somewhere in the vicinity of 80-100 pounds since we met, he has never loved me less or ever said a vulgar word about my weight or how I look. Quite the opposite is true. He embraces who I am and how I look no matter my weight.

I love this dude.

However, no matter how much my husband embraces who I am, we both would like to see a big change. Sure, the looks may be part of it (more in my perspective than his) but the biggest part of this journey for me will be mobility and activity. Right now those two things are at zero in my life. As a result of my weight, I have acquired a most unpleasant symptom - always present excruciating back pain. My weight is literally crushing my spine. The ability to move around more than doing small things is almost non existent. I can't stand in my kitchen long enough to do the dishes or even make a meal without pain. The result is using a desk chair to sit in my kitchen.
When I go shopping, I end up using those motorized carts because I can't get through the store without my back pain flaring up. This is one of the most embarrassing things because its so public. I dread seeing people I know because they always ask why I'm in the chair. I usually come up with some excuse or blatant lie that makes me look like less of a fata**. Of course, there are also the looks from strangers screaming "stupid disgusting fat person, learn to walk you lazy bum". Meanwhile through all of this, I'm crying inside. So, I've stopped going out very often.
Don't even get me started about seat belts *grumble grumble*. Lets just say when I do get them on, its a strenuous activity that leaves one very frustrated.

Although I have pretty much always been overweight/obese for my age/height, it has not always stopped me from being active. The truth is, I LOVE sports. Mainly baseball or softball. I played for awhile when I was younger, and I wasn't half bad! I also played soccer and volleyball.  Putting aside how good or bad I really am at all these sports, the important point is how much I enjoy getting up and being active with my friends. I also love the outdoors in general. I would love to just get out and go on a long walk on a nature trail, or by the lake I live by.  I want to lose weight to get all this back. Inside, I'm not this person who can't move.

In fact, I HATE this person who can't move.

In the past I have tried many many many times to lose the weight. I have tried so many different methods. The one that worked the best for awhile was the combination of vegetarianism and calorie counting. I have calorie counted on its own for awhile, and its a great method, but in the end, after a few months I fall off the wagon. I was vegetarian for a year and a half, and I lost around 40 pounds. In the end, the truth is I gave it up because I like the taste of meat. My family members are basically carnivores (not literally, but you get the point). It just wasn't a lifestyle I could keep up my entire life. My problem is that I lose motivation. I have tried many many different ways of keeping myself motivated throughout the years, and failed miserably. The truth is, I have to have a kick in my butt. For example, if there is something I have to do where OTHERS are counting on me, well, you can be 99.99999% sure it will get done, and be fantastic at that. Now, I have always let myself slack off on my duties when it comes to myself (which you can definitely tell by looking at me). So after thinking long and hard (and I mean years of research and contemplation) I finally reached an answer.
What other better kick in the butt than surgical intervention. A surgical procedure that literally makes you physically ill if you don't follow the rules, and change your lifestyle. Well my dears, that's a kick in the butt I can be sure to believe in.

And one I'm 99.9% positive will help me learn my lesson and change my life.

After a few doctor's appointments, I have a referral to a bariatric surgeon waiting for me, and I couldn't be more excited about it.

I know a lot of people out there aren't going to be happy with my decision. I have one thing (or maybe more, we'll see) to say and its not going to be nice. Shut the f*ck up. Seriously. I have done so much research, that there is not one thing you can say to "scare" me away from it. I can also almost guarantee I know way more about it than you do. I know exactly what I'm getting myself into the good, and the possible complications.

I know how nasty you can be because at one time, I was one of you. I thought I knew all about it, but I was focusing on all the negative parts and not seeing the big picture.

And to my mother in law - I'm genuinely sorry about that. Maybe this will help our relationship and bond.

So you probably want to know how much I weigh, or what my body measurements are?

 Well, you're not getting that today. Those are some things I'll just have to work myself up to.