Today I received the oxygen concentrator. Here's a picture of the lovely machine.
My prescription is to set it at 2 liters/minute and use it 12 hours per day; aka, when I'm asleep, and a few hours during the day.
So, I used it for a couple hours earlier today:
Can you tell by my face how I'm feeling?
Over the past couple of days, I've had time to really think about this. This has been one the first big things to happen to me since this blog started. To be honest, I've been feeling embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I'm feel like I'm 60 years old with the "nasal cannula" on my face. I'm learning about things that I wish I never had to even think about for another 30-40 years minimum. The simple fact of the matter is right now the overall feeling is this:
I hate my body.
I loathe my body.
I'm not just talking about my size. I just feel as if every single piece of my body is working against me. In psychology, a commonly discussed topic is the mind /body problem.
Answer this question for yourself:
I am a/my body.
I have a body.
For me the answer is "I have a body". I feel like the person I truly am is the person in my head (although I'm not completely happy with that person either. I feel like that nothing you "see" when you look at me is the real me. My body, in fact, gets in the way of me. My body is the tool for my mind to use, and its broken!!!
I wish there was an exchange policy.
I'm so angry with my body. I'm angry with my genetics. I'm angry with my mind for not stopping myself so long ago when it was so much easier fix.
How about you guys? Do you have different feelings toward your body and your mind separately?
Teaser: Soon, I'll discuss my relationship with food.
I can definitely relate to the mind/body disconnect. I tend to view the person in my head as "the real Kelly", and my body as a separate entity that refuses to cooperate with the program. Then again, I also see a disconnect between the person I think I should be and the person I actually am, so I'm not sure if it's because I don't think I deserve to be my best self or what.
ReplyDeleteI have some issues.
I'm working on reuniting my mind and body in counseling right now, and I don't know if you've ever been in therapy or anything, but it's helped me out a lot with a lot of my self-esteem and anxiety issues. I would recommend it to anyone. Anyway, sorry for the epic comment, but I think it's really brave of you to chronicle your story for everyone to see, and I hope everything ends up working out the way you want it to.