Love and Hate Relationship With Food

I love food,

but

I hate food.

That's probably not the first time you've heard that.

Oh food, so many things to say about it, but it so hard to articulate at times. First off, let me say I am, at times, an emotional eater.

I'm Happy! Lets celebrate with food!

I'm Angry! F**k this, I'm not cooking tonight, I'll order this ridiculously unhealthy calorie dense food instead.

I'm Sad! Well, most people know the meaning of "comfort food"

Over time, I'm getting better at recognizing this, and stopping it. I used to not even be aware that I was doing it.

I do recognize that I have a food addiction. It sounds silly but its true. Sometimes I envy alcoholics and drug addicts (please don't kill me for saying that). At least they have the option to stay away from the substance they're addicted to (albiet its hard, but its still possible). I can't just say, well, I'm addicted to food, so I'm not going to eat anymore. If I did that, I'd still have an eating disorder.

Off topic rant before I go back: I get very annoyed that overeaters, binge eaters, emotional eaters, etc. get left out of the "eating disorder" categories so often when people discuss them. Anorexia and Bulemia are not the only eating disorders!

Anyway - I've been learning to control my eating first through portion control. I grew up where a steak that devours 1/2 to 3/4 of your plate is one steak/one serving. Now I'm learning to cut those in half or more to feed both myself and my husband. Learning what NORMAL portions are was my first step. I know a lot more than I used to, but I'm still learning.

One reason I have a problem with this, is that most everything is sold in family size one time cookable containers. I hate wasting food: its a direct waste of money. Also, my husband refuses to eat leftovers 99% of the time, so its eat it now or throw it out. One of my ongoing efforts is to try to eat only one portion, and try to eat leftovers another day or for another meal.

My other method of controlling what I eat is calorie counting. Calorie counting works very very well for me... when I stay on top of it. It works, but its tedious. My main goal here is to stay within calorie limits (usually around 1500 calorie/day). I don't care what I eat, as long as I stay within the calorie limits.

Losing weight mathematically is as simple as creating a calorie defecit. So my main goal right now is to learn to stay within a certain calorie range, while staying relatively happy eating foods I like. Sometimes, I have very nutritional meals, and sometimes I don't - but both meals will still fit my calorie range. This method will help me lose weight, but not help my overall health. Also, please note, that I do take daily vitamins.

My next goal, and lifetime goal, is to have all of the above mastered, and be eating a reasonable amount of calories a day and reasonable portions, but also to eat HEALTHY. All of the above can be done without eating healthy. Weight loss CAN be achieved without eating HEALTHY. However, weight loss will most likely not be MAINTAINED without learning to eat healthy. I need to learn more about how to cook meals without sodium (my love) and still be able to eat them. I need to learn low fat meals, etc. I just all around need to learn what a healthy balance of all food groups is. This is what I'm hoping that I'm going to learn with my surgeon, and dietician.

I know I have to change a lot of my habits, and

I haven't been able to do it all alone, but

I'm ready to do this with help.